Humor | how's it going, eh?

Oct 24

Don’t Go On a Juice Fast When Packing

Note to self: don’t go on a juice fast on a major packing day.

My dear friends!!!! My real estate agent showed my very, very clean condo to a young couple yesterday + they are interested in moving in on November 15th!!! Well, hold your horses, y’all – we’re in the process of doing the credit check, so the deal is not done yet. Easy does it.

Now what does that mean??? I’d better start packing, that’s what!!! Today was going to be my big packing bonanza. I already moved a huge load over the weekend, but today was going to be the day!!! So, what did I decide to do? Yes, I am a genius! I decided to do a juice fast on today of all days!!! Reeeeeal smart. Do you want to see what I accomplished at around 2:30?

One. Measly. Box.

Hey!!! I’m not proud about it!!! In fact, I’m downright ashamed!!!

I juiced four times today with my bomb-ass Braun juicer that I bought for $3 at the Buddhist temple bargain sale across the street from me. It was only used once + clean as a whistle! If I could only buy Japanese + German made appliances + goods for the rest of my life, I’d be happy.

Juicers take up a lot of fresh veggies. Be prepared, people. Get your chop on the day before. Then you won’t be as apt to abandon the torture.

I feel disoriented, super fatigued, I looked at a picture of Jeff on my screen saver + almost started crying + sometimes I say to myself, “did it just get really cold in here?”. I’m a mess, y’all!!! In my defense, I did some filing + bills. But, I am so out of it, that when I went to mail my bills, I closed the door without keys + locked myself out of the condo. My condo manager, ol’ reliable Shin-san had to let me back in. What a loser. This is how I feel:

For my last “meal”, I eased myself out of the veggie juicing by indulging in a bowl of instant miso soup. It was the best bowl of miso soup I’ve EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. What savory delight!!!!!!!! I destroyed that bowl!!!!

That may look like a boring bowl of miso soup, but believe me dear readers when I tell you it was salty heaven!!!! Do not take for granted the humble liquid gold that is miso soup!!! I’m going to try + make this juice fast a once a week routine, but I’ll have to get back to you on that one. I’m not going to lie. It was rough.

Well, on a happy side note, I’ve received our marriage certificate + my FBI report!!! Yaaaaay!!! I’m officially not a criminal!!! A copy of these two documents shall be added to my immigration application! Getting closer!!!!

Oct 22

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Senior Citizens Love the Bangles + Chaz Bono

While visiting my parents, as they were both futzing around in the kitchen, my mom bursted out singing, “It’s just another Manic Monday!!!” at the sink. “Where did I hear that? Why am I singing that?” she asked. I’m thinking to myself, “Yeah, why IS she singing that?!”. “Manic Monday” is a hit song from 80’s girl group The Bangles. Why the heck would my mom randomly be singing one of their songs?

My dad replied, “Well, remember when they played that song on ‘Dancing with the Stars’!”. “Oh yeah!!!! Right!” mom replied as they BOTH started singing “Manic Monday”. They’re so crazy. I remember getting my Bangles tape in elementary school in my Easter basket. HELLOOOOO!!!! Ladies!!! What about, “Eternal Flame”?! Let us not forget!!!! Middle school anthem!!!!!

Later, they watched “Dancing with the Stars” on DVR, (I guess cuz they got so excited chatting about it). When Chaz Bono came on, my mom screamed, “Shelli!!! Chaz!!!!!”.

If some of you aren’t aware, Chaz Bono is Cher’s son. Born Chastity Bono, as a female – he has just recently undergone gender reassignment + is now known as Chaz. Look how proud Chaz looks in this picture!!! I love it!!

My parents are so hilarious, this is what I am going to expect on a day to day basis once I move back in, + I will savor every detail!!! I can’t wait!!!!! Get it all in before I relocate to the Great White North!!!

Oct 19

Moving, Brain Fog + Richard Gere

I’m starting to wrap my head around moving out of my condo + getting it ready to rent. My real estate agent has started the process of finding potential renters yesterday. The plan is to start moving everything to my mom + dad’s, keep most things in boxes, so that once that permanent residence card to Canada comes in the mail – I’M OUTTA HERE!!!! I don’t want to have to mess around with moving + finding a renter right before I leave for Vancouver. Yuck. I want to be ready, y’all. Ready.

Plus, I’m trying to wean myself off of coffee, so it’s been slow to say the least. I just do one small cup in the morning + regulate with tea in the afternoon. It makes one feel like they have a styrofoam helmet on their head + took a pill that comes in a container that says, “do not operate with heavy machinery” on it.

But, let’s just say: listening to Dusty Springfield while cleaning + organizing = good. As I was purging the condo, I looked around + became really sad. I love my condo + my neighborhood!!! I’m going to miss it so much!

Oh, look at my sweet Megumi taking a snooze!!!! She matches my decor. How appropriate. Heh heh.

Yes. Another picture with Megumi in it. Now don’t say it all at once, I know! I’m lucky I have Jeff or I would be “one of those costumers”. I could be happy with a million animals running all over me + then a neighbor would report me to animal protective services. Yes, thank god for Jeff.

Tonight, I finally watched, “An Officer and a Gentlemen”. I don’t know why it’s been so long because I LOVE movies from the late 70’s/early 80’s (note: only early 80’s!!! No John Hughes or Brat Pack for the love of god!!!)! And I LOVE Debra Winger, even though she can be a little annoying + whiny. Richard Gere is pretty swoon worthy, even though he has teeny eyes + I got really excited watching all the military exercises. I want to go to a boot camp! Louis Gossett Jr. plays the gnarly drill sergeant + I kind of wanted to be like him. Is that weird? I must admit, I got all girlie during the love story parts + cheered in the end. Oh, earlier in the week I also watched, “Sophie’s Choice”. I guess it was early 80’s film week for me. I’ve seen it before, but I decided to torture myself for a second time. Why???!!!! WHYYYYYY???!!!!!! I can’t even get into “Sophie’s Choice” because it’s too depressing + beautiful + you’ll just have to find out for yourselves. Now I realize why I hadn’t seen it a second time. Sob.

On a happy note, in the movie Kevin Kline is very handsome + charismatic with a very dashing moustache!!!! Cha cha cha! Oh, Meryl….sigh!!!!

Oct 17

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Kimchi + Bratwurst

Hey y’all! One of my fav gal pals Debbie had friends from NY, Sarah + Lisa visiting for the weekend. When Sarah + Lisa are in town, I’m down for a major hang out session! I heart Asian girls from NY!!!! They are a different breed! They talk street + they’re kind of mannish. First stop, Gonjiam in Korea town.

I love going to Korean restaurants with Debbie because, a)she orders in Korean + b)she always figures out the bill.

Korean uncle mafia.

Look!!! Sooooooo good!!!! Kimchi, savory pancakes, beef soup + rice!!! Very comfort food! Like a spicy hug for your tummy!!!

This was a heaping dish of pig’s feet, radish, cucumber, watercress, etc. I was not a huge fan, because I’m not accustomed to the chewy factor of the pigs ear. But, yo the girls scarfed it down till there was nothing but a few shards of carrot!!!! Oh, that’s another thing. Asian girls from NY can EAT!!!!

An offering in the parking lot of incense, watermelon + soju. http://www.yelp.com/biz/gonjiam-los-angeles

Afterwards, we stopped by the Korean market + these bananas were called, “Macho Bananas”. What the heck?! Macho bananas?! Hahahahaaaa!!! Only in Los Angeles. Oh + by the way, if you were wondering, you are correct – they were GIGANTIC.

That night, Debbie, Sarah, Lisa, Cristina + I headed to Alpine Village in Torrance for Oktoberfest. Last year, Debbie, Cristina + I made a pit stop at Alpine Village after the Lobster Festival (I LOVE A GOOD FESTIVAL) during the day + it was a jolly time. Night time was a completely different animal! It was PACKED!!!! Look at the prohibition list!!! You’d think we were going to a Suicidal Tendencies concert! Alpine Village is a little low rent + rough arount the edges, for the record. But that’s why we love it. The people watching is sensational!!!!

Success!!! We’re in!!! How cute are my friends, right?! Cristina is our honorary Asian.

The ever long beer lines. Huzzah!!!!!

Bier ist sehr gut, nicht wahr?

The cute The Haderlumpen & Udelhoevner Dorfmusikanten Oom Pah Pah band from Germany!!!

The MC of the band (in the red hat) looks a lot like this other guy I know….

We got our sausages, potatoes + saurkraut + there was absolutely no where to sit + people kept saying they were, “saving the spot”. Crisitna yelled, “You guys! Stop asking tables with girls! You have to find a table full of dudes!!!!” It worked! I used my powers of persuasion + said, “C’mon, look at these girls!” + voila! Dudes are such suckers!!!!!

The crowd at Alpine Village is the best part of it! I would say it is mostly Latino/Chicano. It’s so nice to see that they are so interested in their German heritage + their national drink! Everyone was so happy + having a really good time!! I loved the people that dressed up!

Oktoberfest is like Halloween, where girls get to have an excuse to dress slutty. I say, more power to you! Why the heck not?!

These peeps were from Eagle Rock + were veteran Oktoberfesters. Yes. She is wearing a beard. I asked her why + it was some over intellectualized statement about sexual confusion or somethinglikethat + she kind of lost me. But, they knew how to have a good time + were good Oktoberfest guides + teachers.

The guy at the switchboards was not amused.

There was a lot of beer raising + yelling throughout the night. I love screaming in German. Ja!!!!!!!!

At one point, the band took a break + Journey’s, “Don’t Stop Believing” came on + people were freaking out + singing along. This homie was not psyched. Totally straight faced.

After Journey, that’s when this guy Heino showed up + the crowd went temporarily insane!!!! Heino is a famous German pop singer from the 50’s-60’s, as my Oktoberfest guides told me. This guy was so amazing + hilarious!!! Like a straight, mod Karl Lagerfeld!!!!

I want to learn more about Heino!!!!! Obsession commence!!!

More beer raising.

We had such a fun night of yelling + dancing + yelling!!! Considering the rough crowd, everyone was really getting along, but as the night progressed, dudes were having too many “wobbly pops” as Jeff calls them. Crisitna + Lisa noticed things were starting to unravel at peaceful Alpine Village + their party alerts went on. They came back from the bathrooms in a rush saying, “Yo, things are getting bad out there! We saw a couple fights, let’s get out of here!!!”. You would’ve thought that we saw a knife fight, because we boned out of there so fast, we left a trail of dust, like road runner style.

Good call, ladies. Safety first!!! http://www.alpinevillagecenter.com/

Yesterday, we just hung out at Manhattan + Hermosa Beach + walked around + lounged. We were total zombies, so this is the only picture I took.

Aaaaaaah. The End.

Oct 5

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Jeff’s 2 Day Birthday Festivities Pt. 2

Jeff’s Birthday weekend, part 2. Jeff is well loved. SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2ND Jeff insisted all of his West Coast family (family also includes the Hoiles of course) to be together to celebrate his birthday, so for that to happen, we celebrated on Sunday. The Hoiles had us over for the partay. Tom, Deb, Matt, Tobin, Steve, Liz, Keiko, Hana, Benjamin + cousin Neil were all there!

Appies, y’all!!! Shaka!!!

Filet mignon + shrimp kabobs on the grill, yo!!! Decadence to da max!!!

Now that is the way to party. Veganism, goodbye. Sorry, Charlie.

Here’s little button Hana using a remote control as a cell phone. Ridiculously cute!!!!!! Unbearable!!

The dinner spread!!!! I kept instructing Keiko + Matt, “The Ta-Daaaa Pose!!! The Ta-Daaa Pose!!! Arms spread!!! TA-DAAA!!!!”. Like an obnoxious stage mom.

Jeff wanted a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. What do you think of the caption? 45 IS a big deal!!!! The zombie kid at Dairy Queen made me want to reach over to check his pulse, but I got a slight crack of a smile from him when he saw my ecstatic happiness when Isaw the cake. Before the cakecame out, Matt, Tobin + I busted out the crown that we all collaborated on the day before with our sweat + tears.

Hana had to give the crown a whirl. 45??? Me thinks not. A mere babe in the woods. A wee bairn. Jeff is definitely a young-at-heart 45.

Okay, how many times does it take to wrangle 4 children into a semi perfect group photo? Let’s take a count.

One. Where’s Tobin? Oh, there you are!!!

Two. Do you like Hana’s Uncle Jeffrey moustache??

Three. Uh-oh. Things are starting to unravel. Yikes. Focus Hana, FOOOCUUUUS!!!!! Tobin! Matt! What the heck!!!??

Four. Jeff + Hana, come on!!!! Keiko, kudos. Always ready for a photo op. Well done. Well done.

Five!!!! Success!!!! Oh wait, Hana + Keiko aren’t looking into the camera. Oh well, as long as everyone is facing forward with their little faces towards camera, that equals done to me!!!

Oh hey, I know what’s going on here!! I see the love gaze flowing between these two!!!!! What the heck??!!! Alas, I always knew Jeff was Hana’s main squeeze, before I even met Jeff. I digress. She’s always asking me, “Where’s Jeffy? Where’s Jeffy??”

After cake, Jeff + Hana blissed out in each other’s arms. They were so content, that they didn’t even notice the bright light of my flash. So cute!!!!!!!! Buddies!!! Happy Birthday, Jeff!!!!!!!!!

Oct 4

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Punch it, Los Angeles!!!

Guess what? I’m finally in Los Angeles. And guess who came along with me? Jeffrey Andrew Keith Fayle. Yep, that’s right. Believe it. Jeff doesn’t start his new job for another week, so he decided to squeeze a SoCal trip in. Also, it’s mostly because I think he knew I’d be inconsolable + despondent facing the reality of brown, smoggy Los Angeles alone. Codependent much????

Eew. Flat + brown.

My mom + dad came to pick us up at LAX which is always a joy to see their faces after a long trip. The weather would be considered warm by Canadian standards, but my mom was wearing a mohair sweater.

For dinner we decided to take our chances at Sushi Gen in my Little Tokyo neighborhood. I’ve been there a couple of times, but haven’t been back in a long time even though they are located right next to my condo due to their long waits. My dad has been dying to eat here for ages, being the foodie that he is. They are considered one of the best sushi restaurants in Los Angeles. Luckily, we arrived early enough + we were seated right away in a booth! Score!!!!

My mom + I got the Chirashi Deluxe. Chirashi is something you get at a sushi restaurant when you’re too tired to pick out what you want because it’s a smorgasbord of sashimi on top of a bed of rice. It was the best sushi we’ve all ever had!!!! Look at how gorgeous! Fresh!

At the end of dinner my parents punched it. In Nishino family translation that means, “I do say, that dinner was a culinary masterpiece!!!” They’re so hilarious, so I made them pose for my dad’s signature gesture. A really nice way to be welcomed home. http://www.sushigenla.com/

Oct 3

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Jeff’s 2 Day Birthday Festivities

Who get’s to celebrate his birthday for an entire weekend? Jeff does. He’s 45 y’all.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1ST – Jeff’s actual birth date

A present from yours truly.

Tobin’s new chapeau. All the rage with the kids.

Bent plywood magazine side table/stool!!! How moderne!!!!

Later, I had Matt + Tobin help me with some decorations for Jeff’s birthday party for the next night. It was a group collaboration, not without a couple creative differences. We had to stop every once in a while + re-group with a board meeting. Serious teamwork.

That evening, I took Jeff to Deep Cove to have dinner at a great restaurant called Arms Reach Bistro. It was tasty + stylish without being pretentious – so very Canadian!!!!

We got into a little fight before we reached the restaurant. Here’s me expressing my discontent in a very mature manner.

Jeff caught my very discreet expression + so I obliged him with a reluctant stiff smile. Not bad, right?!

I couldn’t stay mad at Jeff! He’s too cute!!! We hugged it out after a little talking + we enjoyed our dinner. We had a beef carpaccio appetizer (Canadians call it an “appie” as in a beef carpaccio appie – funny, right?) which I’ve never had before. It was UNBELIEVABLE!!!! OMG it was so good, like melt in your mouth good. http://www.armsreachbistro.com/frame.htm

After dinner we went for a movie. FYI, Canadian movie theaters really need a serious makeover. Ever heard of stadium seating? Surround sound??? Consider it, Canada!!! They’re all pretty small + outdated + make me feel like I’m in middle school at the Janss Mall going to see Beetlejuice.

I can’t wait for the Muppet movie to come out!!!!! Oh, Fozzie bear, you charlatan!!

I wanted to go see Moneyball, but since it was Jeff’s birthday we went to see Ryan Gosling in Drive. I mean, who doesn’t want to see a movie about baseball + statistics?! Let’s just say Drive was highly lacking. Jeff enjoyed it for some reason. The actors were extremely good, but there was absolutely no character development + the storyline was majorly weak sauce. When we got back to Tom + Deb’s, they were still up so we shared some bubbly to celebrate Jeff’s 45th year on the planet. Tom just got back from a trade show in Europe + bought this perfect Mr. T shirt for Jeff in Spain. Pity the Fool. Pity the Fool.

What are we doing here in this picture? I don’t know but it looks like a bunch of ballyhoo to me. Stay tuned tomorrow for Jeff’s 2 Day Birthday Festivities Part 2.

Sep 27

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Luau Memories

I’m going to do a couple series of Hawaii pictures + reminiscing because Vancouver has been gray + chilly! Also it’s because when we were in Hawaii the azure sparkles of the ocean would be calling to me, “Shelli!!! Shelli!!! Get off that damn computer! Come play, Shelli!”. Thus, I feel those posts were a bit lacking, so let’s revisit the much glossed over luau night.

I know I already posted this picture, but it’s my favorite. So happy, so in lurve.

I also love the fact that before we got to the luau Kelly said to me, “You + Jeff are like Michael Jackson.”. I said, “Come again????”. She replied, “No, not in the pedophile way, but in the sweet, childlike, innocence you both have!”. Isn’t that really hilarious?! I love being compared to Michael Jackson.

The tram.

Explanation of how the pig is traditionally roasted underground. I missed this part because I was already on the bridge to be first in line for drinks.

See? When I heard the guy say, “Everyone please enjoy…” I was already gone. I’m just a blur. I’m like, “Peace out!”.

Dinner, drinks + a show!

The bass player probably has a license plate that says, “I’d rather be fishing”. His face said, “Somebody get me another whiskey + soda.”.

The couple’s dance! My sister Ashley gave the MC our name to announce. This was only the second time Jeff + I did a “traditional dance” together!!! Jeff isn’t much into dancing unless it’s crazy person dancing.

Jeff’s first visit to Los Angeles was the first time we “danced”. Can you believe it?!

Ohhhh, sniff!!! Looking at these pictures again is making me sad! I had so much fun on this trip!!!!

The mothers got a golf cart ride to the hula performance. My mom was hanging off the back yelling, “Woo-hoooo!!! Wooooo!!!”, when they rolled up.

The “Japanese” part of the dancing was the best. It was so cheesy + wrong. I think I remember they called us, “Our humble brothers + sisters of Japan.”. Ah, so desu ka….

Liz + I called it, “Japanese Disco”, because their kimonos looked all shiny + synthetic even from stage! They were dancing all fast + nodding their heads a lot at each other. I was cracking up! Loved it!

The “Maori” girls are always my favorite with the fire lit poi balls.

And of course, the piece de la resistance of the hula – the fire dancer. And they always happen to be a chief from some faraway island. Uh-huh, ok.

We all had so much fun at the luau! There’s always haters that complain that it’s cheesy, not true to the cultures, the lines are long + the drinks are weak, blah blah blah. What do you expect!? It’s good clean, dorky, fun!!! I miss Hawaii. I’m signing off to go cry now.

Sep 26

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Cottage Culture

Hi everyone!!! I’m completely + absolutely enjoying my Canadian immersion! Over the weekend Jeff + I went out to Steve + Liz’s Cabin/Cottage. Everyone on the West Coast (west coast is the best coast) calls them cabins, but east coasters call them cottages. Steve + the Fayles are East side so they always refer to it as the cottage. Sorry for the tangent, MOVING ON!!!!!

This has been my third trip to the cottage – located on the Sunshine Coast on Sakinaw Lake. Canada is plentiful with lakes. Cottage culture is huge since the summers are so short (regard my last post – Seasonal Affective Disorder, y’all) + Canuncks know to party it up with boating, canoeing, inner tubing, wake boarding, swimming, diving, paddling, water skiing…need I go on?

First, is the hour long BC Ferry trip from Horseshoe Bay to Langdale. Then, it is an hour long drive up the Sunshine Coast to where Steve + Liz’s boat dock is.

We usually grocery shop in Gibsons + pack up the boat tout suite!

The girls are old pros. Old pros.

It was surprisingly hot + so Keiko + I went swimming when we got to the cottage. Keiko loves to get in the water + yell, “I’M SWIMMING!!!!!!!!”. And we both get really psyched.

The next day was also warmer than we thought it would be so Jeff decided to get the party started by jumping off the boat house roof as he is want to do. The girls always have to have their life vests on when they are near the water. Auntie Shelli is learning alot of child safety the past couple of months.

I’ve done this jump before. It’s a lot higher than you think once you are mid air. It hurt my ears when I hit the water – I’m not a fan.

The girls love to yell, “Again! Again!!!”. This picture cracks me up because I didn’t use a fast shutter so I only caught Jeff’s legs right after he jumped off the roof. Doesn’t it look like muppet legs dangling from the top of the frame?! Hah!

Daddy’s girls. Awwwwww!!!

So irresistable!!! This picture reminds me of my sister + I. Cuuute. Buuuddies.

A couple pictures Keiko took with my camera. Not bad, eh? Eh!!!! Canuck Transformation commence!!!

Then, we did some work laying wood chip as a path from the dock up to the cabins.

More SWIMMING…

The water is exceptionally clear, clean + oh so refreshing!!! There’s nothing like it!!!

After swimming, Keiko + Steve started a bonfire. Check out the determination on Keiko’s face as she’s fanning the fire! Keiko + Tobin are two of the hardest + most tireless workers I know. If they ever teamed up, they will be CEO + VP of a multi billion dollar corporation + I shall work for them.

View of the cotttages (we stayed in the smaller one – the “honeymoon suite” as Steve called it) from the bonfire pit.

Enjoying some brewskis + vino.

Last year’s picture from the deck!!!! Vintage!

Grilling dinner!

Sakinaw Lake past dusk. Ah, serenity!

The next morning of our departure was crazy downpour. We managed to catch a break + quickly dash out to pack up the boat + take off!!!

View from the ferry. Oh, Canada. Sigh.

Sep 23

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Canadian Bacon

How’s it going, eh?! It’s been great to be back in Vancouver at Tom + Deb’s. Matt has transitioned from geckos to salamanders. Tobin + I have transitioned from sand castles to Lego villages. Yesterday was Jeff’s brother Benjamin’s birthday. Jeff + I stopped by the most awesome british butcher recommended by Steve to pick up some burgers. This place was my dad’s dream. Tongue, haggis, kidney pie, blood sausage, 12 different types of bacon, hooray!!!!!

Look at the dolls they had for sale!!! I was like, “WHAAAAT!!!!????”. I had seen them before because Jeff + his family grew up with these minstrel dolls called Golliwogs which was a character from children’s books popular in England during the late 19th century. AND they had a Golliwog clock on the wall!!! I just couldn’t believe they had them for sale on their counter, right up in front!

Jeff’s grandmother owned the original 1895 publication of this exact book.

Anyways, we all enjoyed the burgers – Steve, Liz, Keiko + Hana came to join the festivities as well!!! It was awesome being with everyone again!

The Salamander Whisperer + his face painted assistant, Hana the Amazing!!!

Keiko patiently waiting for her burger to be cut.

Tobin lost his two front teeth!!! Look at his superb cowboy hat + vintage suede cowboy vest. Courtesy of Uncle Thrift Store Jeff. It’s one of Tobin’s favorite looks to go shirtless with the vest.

One totally rad dude. Ready to rip it up to the extreme. Jeff said now he really looks Canadian. Really? I didn’t know Canadians were toothless.

I thought Tobin was channeling Bunker Spreckels, infamous surfer from the 70’s who inherited $50 million from the family fortune (his grandfather was a sugar baron, publisher + railroad tycoon). He partied hard + had really great style. Oh yeah, + Clark Gable was his step father.

Someone is anticipating cake time!

YAAAAAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE BENJ!!!!

Today Jeff + I had a phone consultation with an lawyer to discuss our immigration paperwork. It is going to be alot of work, but she told us that if we have all our documents in order, it will take 5-6 months to process!!! Very good news!!! Chin chin!!!!

Well, Vancouver is already damp + drizzly. I’m going to buy a car load of Vitamin D when I move up here. I’m going to get Seasonal Affective Disorder y’all!!! We took the bus to pick up Jeff’s car from the detailer in downtown. The bus!!! Very exotic for an Angeleno.

After picking up the car + on the way back home to North Vancouver, we were driving through what Jeff + I call Cracky McJacky Town. Very unsavory, but I could still eat Canada’s crack addicts for breakfast when comparing them with Los Angeles crack addicts!!! But look at what we saw!!!

Girl fight!!!! The little one was dragging the big one by the hair!!! Then they both stood up + the little one was throwing punches like a pro boxer! It was on the driver’s side + I was hitting Jeff + yelling, “Take a picture!!!!”. Jeff wimped out + didn’t even roll down the window to get a good shot, so it’s blurry. To all my American friends, you probably thought Canada was all maple syrup + baby deers?! Well, think again!!! The mean streets of the Great White North!!! Voila!!!!!

Sep 20

Paniolo Pride

Ladies + Gentlemen, we celebrated the 36th Annual Waimea Paniolo Parade on Saturday, September 17th, 2011!!!! Jeff was up + ready! We drove 20 min inland + when we arrived in Waimea, I saw the crowds + tents + boy howdy did I start getting excited!!!! I LOVE festivaaaaaaals!!!!! Lobster Fest, Octoberfest, Scottish Fest, Swallow Day Fest….I could go on. It’s too bad my festival homie Debbie Im couldn’t be with us. In spirit, Debbie!!! In spirit!!!

Jeff found this Hawaiian western shirt couple days ago thrifting + wore a tiki bolo tie that he brought from his collection in Canada, just in case. Who knew it would become useful on this trip? Who knew? Jeff knew.

The parade begins!!!!! I’m going to organize the photos by section because we took so darn many. Hawaiian Royalty!!!!

Check out the court announcer singing with his gelled Jonas Brothers hair. And check out the kid in the red loincloth next to him giving serious stink eye!!!! Hah!!!

This guy is going to beat you down with a stick. In ancient Hawaii it was kapu (forbidden) for those of lower class to look upon the chief or cast your shadow upon him. The penalty is death. I think this guy is regulating!!!

These were my two favorite guys at the parade. How cute is the french horn player???

I picture this as my friends + I as we gracefully enter our sunset years.

Here come the paniolos!!! My heart was racing!!!!

Why sir, that is a very handsome moustache! Y’all know I’m a sucker for a hearty moustache!!!

Here are a couple of hunky paniolo pics for you ladies:

Lots + lots of adorable keiki (kids)!!!!

The Princesses! Each one represented a Hawaiian island. They would extend their hand from their mouths + softly say, “Aloha.”. After each one passed by, without fail I’d say, “preeeeettyyy”, like Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

The pink princess, I called the Nicki Minaj of Paniolo Princesses. She was all about it!!! Posing, waving, huge smiles!!! Girl was like, “Haaaaay!!!!!”!!!!

Here are some other highlights from the parade.

My favorite outfit with the whitelace gloves + jaunty woven hat. Sassy!

Let’s not forget the pooper scoopers!!! Each one had a different theme! Look! The driver is receiving a kiss! Poop + romance!!!!

The haole local ladies sitting in front of us did not appreciate this one!!! Oh my, no they did not!!!!

Jeff was obsessed with this kid because he had a drawn on moustache. Ole!!!!

After the parade was over, we went to the Waimea Farmer’s Market where Jeff had a fresh, homemade bacon sandwich. He pretty much was salivating over the lady making it + staring intensely at her (which I think freaked her out a bit), because we were staaaarved at that point. I really think it was wild boar that they killed in the hills because apparently the island is over-run with them + it tasted really, really amazing + fresh. I still think it was not enough food for a lumberjack, unfortunately as you’ll find out later in the post.

Sir, why so intense, sir??? Do you realize you’ve been on a tropical island on vacation, sir? Hello, sir???

At least SOMEONE was enjoying themselves!!! Sheesh!!! Island style, brah!!! Chill, mon!!! Someone bring me a Mai Tai!

After Jeff had a little food in him, we wandered to the park for the Ho’olaule’a for food, hula + fun. My recommendation to anyone going to the 37th annual Waimea Paniolo Parade is to skip this part. Great people watching, don’t get me wrong. But it was crowded as heck, the lines were insanely long for food + it is generally like herded cattle. We waited for $7 kahlua pork, they forgot about us + when we reminded them, they said they ran out of rice + the amount of pork given to us was like a melon ball scooper’s worth. Jeff was so irate but I felt bad for them because they seriously looked panic stricken + one of them was calling their auntie to bring mo’ rice.

Look at all those darn people! Moooo!!!

Princesses on their off time, hanging out in their jeans + drinking pop. This one princess in tan was probably related to Andre the Giant + was like 2 times taller than her husband. He + the baby were both wearing forest cammo tshirts. Bad ass Waimea style, yo!!!!

The good part is, there was a really crowded craft tent + Jeff bought a carved bone necklace by this old time artisan, Ika Vea who carved the pendant that Jeff chose + wove + braided the necklace while we hung out. It’s a very special handcrafted piece of art that Jeff is really happy about.

Here is Cranky Pants not so happy to be in a craft tent holding one of the gorgeous wood carvings Ika made that we now regret not bringing home with us.

Note to all ladies. Don’t take your significant others to festivals unless they’ve been previously amply fed. You’ll thank me later.

Sadly, I’m writing the ending to this blog post from Vancouver. Not sad, because I love Vancouver (we arrived at 2am to Tom + Deb’s last night), but sad because I miss my tropical paradise + all of my turtle family. I spent the entire last day in the backyard of our house at the beach. I couldn’t bear to be near the computer + had to fully enjoy our most amazing last day of the honeymoon. I will post more pictures of that last day tomorrow!!!! Sniff, sniff.

Sep 16

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Easy does it…

After our raging dance party, admittedly today was slow goings. Jeff was like a “jamby” – that’s how my mom pronounces “zombie”. Jamby! Jamby!!! We headed inland towards the the largest privately-owned cattle ranch (Parker Ranch) in the US which is located in Waimea (Kamuela). It is said that King Kamehameha III arranged for three Mexican cowboys to come to the Big Island to teach the locals about cattle ranching. Thus, the birth of the Hawaiian paniolos (cowboys)! Viva Mexico!!!!!

I had to take Jeff to one of my all time favorite dives, Hawaiian Style Cafe.

It is full on diner style cooking with plates heaped full o’ food!!! They are famous for their plate of kahlua hash, two eggs + fried rice – which is what Jeff devoured. Perfect hangover food!!! Just what the doctor ordered!!!

Note: good thing I did my calisthenics this morning because I am starting to get C-H-U-B-B-Y.

I didn’t really take many pictures of Waimea because we plan to be back for the Paniolo Parade on Saturday! I can’t wait!!! I love a parade!!!!!

If it looks like all we do is eat, well it’s true. We drove east towards the little town of Honoka’a to Tex’s Drive In. Home of the fresh out of the fryer malasada!!! Hot, doughy, sugar coated Portuguese heaven!!! I took a picture like this last year in front of Tex’s when I came with my dad.

You can get malasadas cream, fruit filled, or plain. I prefer the pure, unadulterated plain malasada. They are really hot + fresh, like pillows!!! http://www.yelp.com/biz/tex-drive-in-honokaa

We drove north west to the artist community of Hawi. Jeff took the Kohala Mountain Road which was windy + rose up high in elevation, making me very nervous + manic due to Jeff’s erratic driving!!!! Thus, no scenic view shots because Jeff was enjoying that while driving, as I was in panic mode keeping my eyes on the road from the passenger seat because somebody else wasn’t!!!!

We slowly meandered around tiny Hawi, browsing the art galleries. Happy hour at historic Bamboo restaurant + gallery.

http://bamboorestaurant.info/

Sorry for the non scenic photos today. We are a little worse for the wear. It’s Flashdance that really put us over the edge.

On our way home to Puako Fantasy (our glamorous rental home), we stopped for a refreshing swim at Hapuna Beach, which is the most pristine + swimmable sand beach in the state.

Deep thoughts…..

Yesterday + today were our first real days of relaxation since being in Hawaii. Hard to believe, I know – but with the wedding + our neurotic, hyperactive personalities we’ve been on the go so much!!! Now that we have our Puako Fantasy home, we are really going to stay put + take advantage of it for the rest of our amazing stay.

There’s my tiny little head swimming in the ocean + this wiry old chappie who was running lap after lap along the beach REALLY fast + spry!!! Stud!!!!

Another muscle competition pose by yours truly.

Wish you were all here.

Sep 16

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Puako Fantasy

Yesterday, do you all recall the drama we encountered with tractors + jackhammers right next to our Puako honeymoon rental? Well, after I called the rental management company leaving three very angry messages, the care taker who resides in the main house below came to sheepishly explain to me that even she was surprised by the construction this morning, as well. Verrrry suspect, considering it appeared that the work looked like it had been going on for quite a while. I asked her to get the scoop on how many days they planned to be working because I couldn’t deal with the noise because I come from downtown los angeles, yo + I do not need to be listening to generators + trucks backing up all day!!! I do not!!!!! When she returned, she said they were re-building the sea wall + would be working for the rest of the week. OH HELL NO!!!!!! I called rental management + asked them if we had other options. While I was angrily negotiating + hopping mad, here’s what Jeff was doing:

Enjoying a snack, y’all!!! He let’s me be bad cop because he knows I can be as mean as a hornet when I get fired up. I see how it is…

Guess what, folks?! They moved us into a house down the road – A HOUSE!!!!!! We went from a studio TO A HOUSE!!!! AND they gave it to us for the SAME PRICE as the studio!!!!! A $510 a night house for $225 a night!!!

Granted, the studio was full of character + super charming, but it was small – I had to shuffle things around to prep dinner + had little buggies hanging around. But, this house had a stove!!!! Washer + dryer!!! Dishwasher + tons of counter space!!! I felt like a housewife fromthe 50’s. Being a lady of modernity, I was seduced!!!!

Shiny!!! Bright!!! Sparkly!!!!

Also, there was a mezuzah on the doorframe, so we knew we were in the right place. For all not in the know, the mezuzah contains a parchment inscribed with specific Hebrew verses from the Torah. My mom will be so happy to hear about this! Shalom!!!!

Wraparound windows in the living room!!!

Our backyard!!!!

Reflection in the window from the porch.

The master bedroom with retro phone + Hawaiian quilt bedding!!! Love it!!!!!! By the way, I’m really not talking on the phone in this picture. I just like to pretend.

It’s kind of funny, because when we first got to the house, we noticed construction going on next door on a new home. I was going to flip. But Jeff talked to the guys + they were just building a deck. I can deal with some hammering + sawing over a jack hammer any day! The houses are far enough away that I don’t even hear them from the porch!!! Score!!!! Also, this is turtle central!!!! It is like a turtle cafeteria in our backyard!!! They are muncha-crunching out there, we swam alongside them + you can see their little heads surfacing the water all the live long day!!!

I like this cutie-patootie’s sleeping style!!! Snoozel noodle!!!

This adolescent is like, “Peace out, you old folks keep napping!!! I gotta motor!!!” Action Jackson over here!

Whoopeee!!!!! Wild card!!! Black sheep!!! The rebel, as they say!!!!!

Up the coast, Kohala’s ritzy, cha-cha-cha resort hotels. Oh, rather!!!!!

Let’s just say we spent the rest of our day enjoying the house to da max. After moving in + moving out of the old digs, we just wanted to straight up chill. If chill means doing 3 loads of laundry. That night, bartender Jeff blended some cocktails + fired up the 2 grills.

What a romantic!!! Jeff insisted on traveling with the tealights we had recieved for the wedding from the Catlows + meticulously lights them every night! He’s a better man than I!!! Oh, wait that didn’t sound right….

We blasted the radio + had a dance party in the living room! When Flashdance’s, “She’s a Maniac” came on, we tore it up!!!! We got so psyched, Jeff found a youtube clip – in german + we kept on dancin’!!!!!!!

Ja!!!Es ist so gut!!!! Enjoy!!!

Sep 14

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Drama fo’ yo’ Mama

Every day has been full of surprises, let me tell ya. Quick recap. Monday was a realatively mellow day hanging around the small towns of Captain Cook. Our view from Manago hotel room:

History buffs rejoice – the Kona Historical Society Museum is well worth the visit!!! It is set up at the foundation + the general store of the Greenwell family. Henry Nicholas Greenwell was an English entrepreneur who came to Kona + is known to have established Kona coffee into what it is today.

Our tour was conducted by a very, very interesting + knowledgeable educator + guide, Ann. She hung out in San Francisco in the 60’s, then moved to San Diego + has been on the Big Island for 14 years. Groovy, man! Inside the general store, we did an interactive tour of what it would have been like to shop in the store in those days.

Here’s Ann in her period costume. Isn’t she cute?! She had so much information about the land, the Greenwells + Hawaiian history that at the end of the tour, she became my hero + when I grow up, I want to be like her.

We returned to Pu’uhonua O Honaunau for sunset. Jeff went snorkeling, but I was cranky + cold so I opted out. Jeff said it was the best snorkeling he had done so far – turtles, large colorful fish, large coral! Yeah, I missed out.

As we left, we decided that Tuesday morning we were going to wake up early, come back to Pu’uhonua O Honaunau to go snorkeling before heading up north to Puako. Well, that morning when we got to the car, guess what we found!!!!!

Jeff was flailing his arms, yelling, “SHELLI!!! WHAT THE, WHAT THE, LOOK!!!! GO GET SOMEONE!!!!!”. When he gets really spazzy, I become reeeealllly calm. From what we remembered last night, there was a blue Ford parked next to us. The moron was still in the parking lot!!! There were blue scratches on our car, silver paint on his rear bumper – Jeff took measurements like a real detective. The owner + Manago heir, Dwight helped us out so much, we called the cops, had witnesses who heard the loud crunch at night – we had it in the bag!!!!! After running the license plate #, Dwight awoke the perpetrator who confessed to his crime. He was a really nice guy who had Tlingit tattoo art all over his face + dreads. To each his own. Here’s the three guys working it out. The cop was Dwight’s cousin. Small island.

We went to Kona Airport to switch out cars which was a pain in the butt. No snorkeling for us!!!! We were so upset by the morning’s drama that what did we do??? Thrift!!!! We encountered an AMAZING consignment shop near Costco called Sandra’s Consignment. We made out like bandits!!!!

OMG!!! I almost forgot! We drove down the marina, checking out all the fishing boats + as we were driving we spotted a HUMONGOID blue marlin hanging!!!! It was so huge, I thought it was a fake – like the Jaws hanging at Universal Studios!!!! We parked the car + RAN down with our cameras like crazy journalists!!!! This thing was 850 pounds + took the guys 45 min to wrestle!!! It reminded me of my dear old grandpa that I used to fish with, so I was really excited, out of nostalgia – but I kept asking this lady, “Isn’t marlin fishing illegal??? Wouldn’t you think this marlin is pretty old for it’s size?”. She kept shrugging her shoulders + saying it was legal in resort towns. Hmmmmm. Well, my research shows that blue marlin stocks are low + most recreational fishermen/women do a catch + release. So, it made me sad looking at this gorgeous, large dead creature who was probably so happy + majestic swimming around. I’m not going to post any close up pictures of it now because I’m super bummed out.

Okay, are you ready for some more drama!!!!????? We drove north to Puako to the rental house that we are to stay in for the duration of our honeymoon. We arrived at night + it is my 70’s dream house with lots of wood, blue tile + wrap around porch!!! This morning we awoke to the sound of the ocean right in front of the porch. Guess, what?! Around 8:30am this morning as I was writing this blog, we were unhappy to discover that there is construction going on right next door!!!! Generators, tractor, jack hammer – AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!! We are SO PISSED!!!!!! Can you believe it?! If you knew there was construction happening, why would you rent out the house?! I called the rental company stat!!!! I asked to be moved to another house or be compensated – they are going to call me back, so stay tuned………

Sep 12

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South Point is Serious

I’ve made an executive decision to abbreviate yesterday’s volcanic activities. There’s too much to post. Let’s just say we encountered a group of people + the women + girls were all dressed in full length dresses + bonnets. I saw the father/husband/elder + one of the girls at the Hilo Salvation Army. Jeff + I assumed the girl was just a Laura Ingalls Wilder fanatic. But there was a whole group of them! Cult alert!!!! Jeff distracted the father/husband/elder by talking to him about “getting back to the land” + took a covert picture. I couldn’t even go near the father/husband/elder because he creeped me out so much + he was wearing dirty 70’s Lee jeans.

Then we drove down to the coast.

Yiiiiiikes!!!! The waves were POUNDING!!!! And the cliff edge was on the precipice of collapse!!! Those waves were POUNDING ON THE CLIFFS!!!! Oh, by the way, do you like my Sporty Spice outfit?

Did I say, “Yiiiiikes!!!!”????

After my fright of crumbling off a unstable cliff into the unrelenting sea, we walked down to the ancient petroglyphs. It was dusk when we arrived at the petroglyphs + it was really serene to be there under the full moon.

Today, we headed out of Volcano Village heading south-west towards the west coast of the Big Island. Our first stop was Punalu’u Black Sand Beach. Honestly, I was not the impressed, except for the large turtles that like to bask on the sand.

Cuties!!!!!!

There was a sign clearly stating + illustrating for tourists to stay 15 feet away from the turtles. On the way back from the bathroom we saw some dumb ass tourists posing RIGHT NEXT TO THE TURTLES!!!! I was enraged!!!!!! I screamed, “Hey!!! Hey!!! Do you see this sign (as I pointed to it)???!!! 15 feet away!!!” Jeff had to take me away. The poor, harassed turtles. We met a couple local haoles on Punalu’u + they told us about a beach that is not on the map + is the perfect spot to see as far as the eye can see. I’m not going to divulge secret info on a blog but they said, “When you pass XXXXX, you’ll see some XXXXXX, and that’s when you’ll make a XXXXXX. It’s one of the best surf spots on the island. There is a man named Uncle Abel who is a Hawaiian institution + he’ll show you the way.” Sure enough, we got to the XXXXX + we saw 3 men chilling – I was nervous, but Jeff is friendly + confident in that way. We ended up hanging out with Uncle Abel, Uncle Joe + his son, drinking beers + talking story. Uncle Abel has been on his land for generations. The government has been trying to kick him off his land for decades + it is a constant battle for him. He was so wise, warm, kind, generous + spiritual. Here’s the bruddahs.

If you want to sign a petition to help Uncle Abel in his cause, here is the link: http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/freekawaafreehawaii

The road to the beach:

The perfect black sand beach. Punalu’u couldn’t even compare with it’s pristine coastline. We gave Uncle Abel a hug goodbye + kept on truckin’ towards Captain Cook – our final destination for the next couple of days.

It was verging on sunset so we headed towards Pu’uhonau o Honaunau, the place of refuge. Those who broke the ancient law or kapu would avoid punishment or execution by swimming shark infested seas to the Pu’uhonau o Honaunau + their wrongful deeds would be absolved.

Here was a lady trying to balance her chi or something:

Onwards to my home away from home!!! The Manago Hotel!!! My dad + I discovered it last year during my search for good butterfish at a restaurant. The Manago was founded in 1917 by a Japanese-Hawaiian family. A friend of mine from Hawaii was freaked out that I stayed there, stating locals know not to stay at the Manago becauase it’s infamous for being haunted, considering it was built on plantation land. Last year I rented a single, shared bathroom + granted, I was a little creeped out without even the knowledge that the place was haunted. Nevertheless!!!! I love the Manago!!! And I knew Jeff would too!!! Their restaurant is homey + comfort food style!!!! I specially reserved the only Japanese tatami room they had + it is SO worth it!!! The gal at the front desk remembered me from last year – so in!!!!

Luckily, the restaurant was open for another 15min. We had their famous porkchops. I’ve been dying for these porkchops for a year!!! I don’t know what it is, because they are a little chewy + the onions are slightly crunchy, but there’s something about these chops that are off the chain!!!! Always the yummy side dishes first that you have to dig into!!!!

Pork choooooooops!!!! The best dinner so far!!! It was so darn good, you didn’t hear a peep from us during the entire meal!!!!

Sake carafes from the kitchen.

This place is so old-school. Doll from TV room. Did I tell you this place is creepy, or what?!

The Japanese furo in our bathroom.

eff changed into his jinbei that my mom bought for him last summer in Japan for a staged photo shoot. Voila. Our room. The only Japanese style in the hotel.

It’s so amazing!!! It makes me feel like I’m in my grandpa’s house in Saitama-ken, Tsurugashima!!!! My mom would be so happy!!!

Jeff sitting next to the game of Go, an old Japanese strategy game.

Well, Jeff + I had a lot of strange adventures today. But I didn’t want to forget the 10th anniversary of September 11th. Please say a prayer for all of the families + friends that lost loved ones during the horrible tradgedy.